Hiatus

DB is currently on a break. Law school doesn't provide much time for cartooning.

ESPN Yet to Cover the Big Ben Controversy

Great journalism ESPN, we all know you play favorites but you cannot make it that obvious.

Big Ben

Media darling Big Ben Roethlisberger has found himself on the wrong side of the news this week with allegations of sexual assault. Big Ben, has yet to speak on the situation but we can guess that it would go a little something like the above. Keep riding that chopper in Ben.

Is there only one way to do health care?

The Swiss have a regulatory body to keep costs down and it seems to work well. In Canada and the UK they have nationalized plans. These plans provide garbage care. Look at the teeth of the Brits. One of the biggest problems is opportunistic insurance companies and doctors, if we cap that maybe we can save some money--you know in case some of the spending doesn't work out. We here at DB are pro-reform, but we need to compose a rhizomatic political scheme and see what other ideas are out there.

New Fast Food Chicken

Who is Wendy's appealing to with the new Azn Chicken? Asia is a big place, including India, Russia, Indonesia, China, Japan, Afghanistan, Iran, and many other nations. Are we to assume that this takes from all such countries? A pinch of curry, a sprinkle of vodka, some salt water, sesame seeds, soy, sand served on a kabab. Such would only begin to describe the melting pot of our largest and most populus continent. Maybe they just meant the greater Yellow Sea region, I understand that oriental is now not PC but could you come up with something that is a little more specific?

Comic Sans : The Least Professional Font

We here at DB would just like to know why anyone would ever use comic sans in a professional setting. The font's use should be limited to 4th grade book report posters or PTA bake sales, never a business. Yet, we have noticed its use overwhelmingly, though it has pleasantly slowed in recent years, in the business world. Beanie Babies, the YES Network, the Sims franchise, various Hollywood films have all used the font. However, getting all whiny about it is not for DB. So please know that if you use it you will look like an idiot, but getting all riled up about it, like many in the blogosphere have, will make you look equally dimwitted.

The All American Sausage Co. looks less than professional here

Red Dog Bowl 09

Sorry about the lack of posts, been too busy prepping for the summer football extravaganza.

Helping around the House

Do your part to keep the house clean and tidy.

Lemonade Sales

This is what happens when you try to have a lemonade sale in Belmar.

More Posters

Either to motivate, reflect, or relax, these posters will help you when you need them.

Motivational Posters

Remember to never let anyone get you down and shoot for the sky!

Stallworth Buys 30 Days

DUI manslaughter and 30 days in jail? Meanwhile Burress can face up to three years and seems to have a very powerful mayor looking to toss the book at him, if the trial ever occurs, and he did not even hurt a single person.

Sammy Sosa Busted for 'roids Finally

Let the "speculation" end. The guy became as big as Steve Austin overnight and used a corked bat, yet ESPN still wants him in the Hall of Fame. Good work.

Who's Spankin' Rankin? Part 2

In this week's edition of everyone's favorite rant we explore the $5 foot long.

You know what really spanks me?  When I walk into Subway and order myself a nice little foot long sub.  I can choose from any of the Jared healthiness and slather on all the extra fixins to make it a Rankin classic.  But I get spanked every time I step to the register, fin in hand, and read a number great than 5.00 on the register.  If Subway is going to spank me for some extra cake I better get a nice happy ending out of the situation.  Next time choose WaWa subs and a bottle of bub. 

Plaxico Trial Pushed Back...Again

At this point no one cares, especially with the addition of Ramses "The Pharaoh" Barden, about Burress' gun trial.  It basically depends on King Bloomberg's opinion on the situation.  Lets see what the future holds.

Boomer Esiason Advises the Children of Early 1990s America

Boomer offering advice to the kids.  How come we do not see this with todays quarterbacks?  Kyle "Jack Daniels" Orton, Jake "Emo" Cutler, Mike Vick (ehh), Tony Romo, et al...

Smugs Around Town

E pretending he actually is as cool as his entourage character (who happens to be very uncool) and Spiderman himself (who has enough money to make E his personal servant) at a Laker game.

Smug of the Week

The New Yorker, a smug magazine with a smug constituency.  Smug on my friends  

Hipster Job Fair

Signs of an improving economy?  All the hipster must have spent their nest eggs on PBR and clove cigarettes during their recent stint on unemployment.

Now hipsters can no longer complain about a lack of alternative job opportunities.

Who's Spankin' Rankin?

In the inaugural "Who's Spankin' Rankin?" post we here at DB found something so appalling that it was spankin' the crap out of Mr. Rankin.  This fall Fox plans on debuting "The Cleveland Show" a Family Guy spinoff centered around Peter's African-American mustached neighbor.  This is all well and good, although it does seem odd that Seth MacFarlane will dominate the Animation Domination lineup.  Unfortunately, and much to our disappointment Cleveland will not replace the monstrosity that follows Family Guy: "American Dad!".  One of the least funny, and possibly lamest, shows to ever get such promotion, American Dad! will continue with King of the Hill, on the way out.

Yes, the American hero Hank Hill will no long grace American households with his deep insights and powerful decisions every Sunday.  Fox, as always, has disgraced itself in canceling the most realistic and subtly brilliant show on its network.  Mike Judge and Co. will be okay and seem to already have a new target (ultra-lefty smugs) for a show now on ABC, but the audience will have to suffer through another show with little plot and a lot of filler.  Family Guy is great, American Dad not so much.  As Peter Griffin himself signed off in a recent episode : "stay tuned for whatever Fox is limping to the barn with."  Griffin knowingly referred to American Dad, the weakest link in the lineup.

We here at DB wish Cleveland the best, but the fact that we will no long be graced with the wit of Hank, the insight of Dale, the clammer of Bill, and the philosophy of Boomhower.  Instead we are stuck with some overweight gun-happy CIA bureaucrat with an airhead wife, dykey daughter, loser son, gay alien, and creepy Eurotrash-goldfish and as always we will switch the channel once the clock reads 9:30 and, unfortunately, possibly 8:30 as well.

King of the Hill (1997-2009)

Kutcher and Twitter Not Getting Along?

Ashton letting his fans know that he just picked up some fresh wax for his chest.

Ashton "Kelso" "PunkD" Kutcher has threatened to stop Tweeting on [Sh]itter because the website has reportedly explored a possible celebrity scavenger hunt TV show using Twitter.  Keep rocking those hipster clothes and plug those cameras Ashton. 

Pics Around Town

Just a few shots taken by the DB paparazzi with the official DB crapberry.

Having a few cold ones with my favorite strong islander.
Enjoying an excellent afternoon on the links with Tiger.
The world's most unfortunate hampster living next to a toilet in a college dorm.

Tony Romo special addition lil' fumbler football.  The ball starts to sweat during pressure situations to help you drop the ball just like Tony!

Texas is on Tour!

The state of Texas is now on tour.  Coming soon to state fair near you is the greatest nation in the world (Texas).  Texas, which is phonetically spelled Techksis, will show the world how to live only the way Texans know how.  Come see Matthew McConeghy smoke a joint, while George W Bush performs a rodeo with his crippled stead Dick, Gary Busey will take audiences to a world few could even imagine, and Tony Romo will show how to fumble a football like only he can in a pressure situation with Jessica Simpson cheering him on.  Check out the swine flu pig who migrated from Mexico to help cable news talk about something besides media bias, a baby who can eat an entire rack of ribs, a real Texas long horn wearing a cowboy hat, take part in tobacco chewing, beer chugging, and Texas toast eating contests.  Texas on tour can be found on the web at http://www.texasontour.com "Its like a whole other country"

Prison Pilates Class

Kick Off The Summer the Right Way

Do you like beer, baseball legends, disgraced former New York Governors, and NICKELBACK?  Well then you have got a date with the 2009 Miller Lite Wade Boggs Memorial Day Blowout with live performances by Nickelback and former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer cooking up burgers and weiners.  21 to drink 18 to party all Memorial Day weekend long.  Honor those soldiers who fought for our right to drink tasty macro-brews while listening to Canadian rock and eating delicious grilled meats.

Mike Vick Released From Prison

Mike Vick, shown above wearing his custom prison edition #7 jersey, was release from jail this morning.  Vick will serve out the finale of his sentence in a halfway house and begin his new construction job.  As if the housing market was not bad enough...

Pat O'Brien

Who needs hope or Obama when you have O'Brien.  O'YEAH!  

Pat recently joined Twitter to keep up with his celebrity pals and fans.

Pat O'Brien's recent "Tweets":

"Filming the Insider, they can't fire the P. O'B!"

"Living it up at PF Changs with all my celebrity pals dishing the goods!"

"Leaving voicemails is fun."

"At the Beverly Hills High Girls Track Meet, the meat is looking good"

"Outside the liquor store, if anyone needs beer gimme a ring"

"Still waiting here, any high school kids want booze????"

Twitter Sucks

DB is joining Twitter.  Not.  Twitter sucks.

Study Hard Folks

Anyone else not understand where the constellations come from?

Bro!

Hungry Hungry Hipsters

"An instant family classic" - Jay Moore (Actor!).  Pick up your copy of this fun and funky board game today.

Hipster or Homeless?

Can you tell which is individual is homeless and which is actually just a smug hipster?  Good luck!

Manny Billboards in Los Angeles Replaced

We here at DB did not want you to miss a beat, we've been covering the story from LA!

A more appropriate message!  Check out the racially mixed family hands, so PC!

An invasion!

Study hard friends!

Barden Featured in Bergen Record

Ramses "The Pharaoh" Barden will surely bring needed size and strength to the G-Men's wide outs, also a plus is the fact he graduated from school that is 11% Asian!  A big step up from Plaxico in that department (nothing against Michigan State, but come on).

Manny Ramirez Tests Positive for Female Fertility Drug

Yup, Manny tested positive for a female fertility drug, which is often used by body builders to amp up their testosterone before cycling on the juice.  Manny claimed it was a prescription from a doctor.  Imagine Manny at the fertility clinic... 

Top 8 Bros to Avoid for Summer '09 Parties

As graduation, BBQ, and BBBBQ (the extra “B” is for BYOB and the other extra B is a typo) season, believe it or not, quickly approaches one must remember to choose the worthy parties carefully.  Using the above picture as a reference, we here at Duk Budr have taken the liberty of putting together a list of eight (8) bros, whose entrance will signal your exit from the soirée. 

1. The Fat Bro Who Thinks He’s Jacked—He may be able to bench 250, but he weighs 275.  Once this guy shows up you’ll know the beer supply is fleeting.  He will likely take over the keg, rationing out half-foam beers while making lewd comments about girls as the pass, challenging you to keg stands and enlightening the crowd on the best drinking feats of his life.  As if his girth is not obscene enough, he seems to think everyone wants to see him with his shirt off.  He may have been a decent offensive tackle in high school, but since then his athletic prowess is seen on the intramural fields of his college.  In other words, he is well out of shape and often incredibly sun burnt.  Although he may ruin your party, just feel lucky that you were not there for his sunbathing session.
2. The Aging Fist Pump Bro—The years of drinking, tanning, hair styling, and questionable judgment have finally caught up with Bro #2.  Notice his odd appearance.  To start: he is losing his hair, thus causing him to go for hair plugs and the look of an old doll you might find in the garage next to the snow blower that has not worked since ’97.  The years of tanning has left his skin leathery and wrinkled.  He says he is 27, but he is really 31 and looks more like 44.  This bro realizes he is aging, yet is so desperate for the glory days (attending the local community college, swiping membership cards at World Fitness, and going on all night binges at Djais and Dexter’s) that he still has the fortitude to go to parties and hit on college girls.  To hide his age he does what any well-respected bro might do.  He liberally applies lip-gloss, eyeliner, and concealer, and unfortunately after shaving his chest for all those years the stubble will pop up that same day.  However, he will keep drinking his Mike’s Hard Lemonade, pump his fist, change the music, and hit on your girlfriend until you kick him out.  He may not kill a party as fast as Bro #1, but he’ll do his best to try.
3. Wolverine Bro—With the newest film in the X-Men series hitting theaters, hundreds of hairy bros are embracing their wolf-like physiques and taking style points from the iconic comic book character.  You may find it odd that this guy wears Halloween costume claws out to a party and even more odd that he stabs beers with them before he shot guns.  He may have heard that girls thought Hugh Jackman was hot as Wolverine, but that does not mean every dude with muttonchops will look as good.  Be  conscious of this guy and if he tries to get anyone to wrestle its time to leave.
4. The Little Bro with the Huge Napolean Complex—This guy may stand at only 5’4” but in his mind his game is just as dominant as the man who’s name he dons on his hoodie.  He practices “HORSE” all the time at home, so eschew gambling or playing drinking games associated with the school yard hoops game.  Once he says he can only play with his own ball,  take that as your queue to leave or at least find something else at the party to do.
5. The Beer Bro—This guy may have turn 21, but he never turned 21 and a day.  He perpetually displays his affection for the malty beverage in his clothing choices.  Bro #5 rocks his Corona bathing suit, with a Coors Light tee shirt and Keystone Ice socks.  He will wear his beer batting helmet and 6-pack belt until he dies.  He lives for the phrase “beer me,” so unless your desperate please see your way out.
6. The Ultra Early ‘90’s Bro—He will interrupt your conversations with: “man I can’t stand TV since 1996” and never leaves the room without dropping a “smell ya later.”  This bro may have himself stuck in a time warp, but he will put the party in a lame warp.  Rocking acid washed jeans, a pair of pumps, a neon tee, and of course the signature flat top of early ‘90’s Will Smith fame.  This guy most likely needs counseling, so steer clear.
7. The Polish Soccer Bro—He loves the team, even calls them “world class” despite their perpetual shortcomings on the international stage, and will force the focus of the conversation to his favorite team.  Unless you want to know the life story of Grzegorz Lato and the 1970’s national team, then you are at the wrong party.
8. White Rasta Bro—He may be a Jew from Scarsdale, but his soul hails from Kingston, Jamaica.  He will attempt to fill your head with bogus mystical stories, and attempt to explain that marijuana is legal for him because of his religion.  He may not totally ruin the party like Bro’s #1 or 2 but he will make you uncomfortable when you catch a whiff of that tie-dyed potato sack he is wearing.  Tip: if you know his name (ex. David Lebowitz or Paul Goldberg) then make sure to call him by it.      

 

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Mexican Independence Day.  Celebrate!  The penultimate list of Mexican-Americans is below, much like the Irish-American list there is much to debate.  However, this list is final.

Top 10 Mexican-Americans

1. Bill Melendez - Voice of Snoopy

2. Jonathon Goldsmith - Actor who portrays "the most interesting man in the world" in the Dos Equis commercials.

3. Cancun

4. Salma Hayek - Actress

5. Rey Mysterio Jr. - Professional Wrestler

6. Bennigan's Southwest Sampler

7. Jessica Alba - Actress

8. Nomar Garciapara - Oakland A's

9. George Lopez - Comedian

10. P.O.D. - 1990's NuMetal All Stars