Top 8 Bros to Avoid for Summer '09 Parties

As graduation, BBQ, and BBBBQ (the extra “B” is for BYOB and the other extra B is a typo) season, believe it or not, quickly approaches one must remember to choose the worthy parties carefully.  Using the above picture as a reference, we here at Duk Budr have taken the liberty of putting together a list of eight (8) bros, whose entrance will signal your exit from the soirée. 

1. The Fat Bro Who Thinks He’s Jacked—He may be able to bench 250, but he weighs 275.  Once this guy shows up you’ll know the beer supply is fleeting.  He will likely take over the keg, rationing out half-foam beers while making lewd comments about girls as the pass, challenging you to keg stands and enlightening the crowd on the best drinking feats of his life.  As if his girth is not obscene enough, he seems to think everyone wants to see him with his shirt off.  He may have been a decent offensive tackle in high school, but since then his athletic prowess is seen on the intramural fields of his college.  In other words, he is well out of shape and often incredibly sun burnt.  Although he may ruin your party, just feel lucky that you were not there for his sunbathing session.
2. The Aging Fist Pump Bro—The years of drinking, tanning, hair styling, and questionable judgment have finally caught up with Bro #2.  Notice his odd appearance.  To start: he is losing his hair, thus causing him to go for hair plugs and the look of an old doll you might find in the garage next to the snow blower that has not worked since ’97.  The years of tanning has left his skin leathery and wrinkled.  He says he is 27, but he is really 31 and looks more like 44.  This bro realizes he is aging, yet is so desperate for the glory days (attending the local community college, swiping membership cards at World Fitness, and going on all night binges at Djais and Dexter’s) that he still has the fortitude to go to parties and hit on college girls.  To hide his age he does what any well-respected bro might do.  He liberally applies lip-gloss, eyeliner, and concealer, and unfortunately after shaving his chest for all those years the stubble will pop up that same day.  However, he will keep drinking his Mike’s Hard Lemonade, pump his fist, change the music, and hit on your girlfriend until you kick him out.  He may not kill a party as fast as Bro #1, but he’ll do his best to try.
3. Wolverine Bro—With the newest film in the X-Men series hitting theaters, hundreds of hairy bros are embracing their wolf-like physiques and taking style points from the iconic comic book character.  You may find it odd that this guy wears Halloween costume claws out to a party and even more odd that he stabs beers with them before he shot guns.  He may have heard that girls thought Hugh Jackman was hot as Wolverine, but that does not mean every dude with muttonchops will look as good.  Be  conscious of this guy and if he tries to get anyone to wrestle its time to leave.
4. The Little Bro with the Huge Napolean Complex—This guy may stand at only 5’4” but in his mind his game is just as dominant as the man who’s name he dons on his hoodie.  He practices “HORSE” all the time at home, so eschew gambling or playing drinking games associated with the school yard hoops game.  Once he says he can only play with his own ball,  take that as your queue to leave or at least find something else at the party to do.
5. The Beer Bro—This guy may have turn 21, but he never turned 21 and a day.  He perpetually displays his affection for the malty beverage in his clothing choices.  Bro #5 rocks his Corona bathing suit, with a Coors Light tee shirt and Keystone Ice socks.  He will wear his beer batting helmet and 6-pack belt until he dies.  He lives for the phrase “beer me,” so unless your desperate please see your way out.
6. The Ultra Early ‘90’s Bro—He will interrupt your conversations with: “man I can’t stand TV since 1996” and never leaves the room without dropping a “smell ya later.”  This bro may have himself stuck in a time warp, but he will put the party in a lame warp.  Rocking acid washed jeans, a pair of pumps, a neon tee, and of course the signature flat top of early ‘90’s Will Smith fame.  This guy most likely needs counseling, so steer clear.
7. The Polish Soccer Bro—He loves the team, even calls them “world class” despite their perpetual shortcomings on the international stage, and will force the focus of the conversation to his favorite team.  Unless you want to know the life story of Grzegorz Lato and the 1970’s national team, then you are at the wrong party.
8. White Rasta Bro—He may be a Jew from Scarsdale, but his soul hails from Kingston, Jamaica.  He will attempt to fill your head with bogus mystical stories, and attempt to explain that marijuana is legal for him because of his religion.  He may not totally ruin the party like Bro’s #1 or 2 but he will make you uncomfortable when you catch a whiff of that tie-dyed potato sack he is wearing.  Tip: if you know his name (ex. David Lebowitz or Paul Goldberg) then make sure to call him by it.